I’m slowly learning that serenity is not achieved on my own. I must enlist the help of others who are going though the same things as I am. I must contact and learn from specialists and former addicts. I need to remember that this is not my fault. Most of all, and above all else, I MUST trust that GOD is going to take this burden from my heart and heal me.
In Matthew 11:28-30, Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Who am I to question the Son of God?
Jackson
March 16th, 2011– We arrived at Jackson Recovery Center in Sioux City, it suddenly dawned on me that I was putting my son in the care of strangers. I began feeling the nagging pull of what can only be described as – guilt. By bringing him here, I was effectively saying that I could not heal him. I was admitting that there was nothing I could do for my son to make him stop using drugs, or to protect him from a very grim fate should he continue. I felt utterly helpless.
We walked into Jackson, none of us speaking, just assessing our surroundings. The worn façade of what used to be a hospital, painted yellow concrete, several floors with small, locked windows. Inside, cheesy second hand furniture in the waiting areas, an antiquated elevator that was badly lit and stripped to bare metal. Tyler was vey quiet and I could only imagine what was going through his mind…fear.
Stepping off on the Administration floor, we were shown to a small office with a friendly receptionist, who greeted us warmly. Her smile was infectious and I couldn’t help but return it to her. We were seen first by the intake coordinator who explained the paperwork, the insurance coverage, and ensured that we understood everything. All in all, very typical of any medical admission.
We would be expected to attend family education sessions during Family Day every other Friday. We could visit every Friday if we wanted, but we were strongly encouraged to come to Family Day. We learned that Tyler would have to earn off-campus visits starting at 2 hours at a time, working up to weekends home. There was no prescribed length of time that he would be required to stay but the average was about 90 days. Three months. Without my boy. God help me.
We waited a few minutes more, making small talk, and waiting for the Bridges Unit supervisor to come and collect Tyler and his belongings. When she arrived, she wasn’t alone. Instead she was accompanied by several other boys that were patients there. They were all shapes and sizes, and colors. Some wore the garb of hip-hop aficionados, Others were tattooed, pierced, or clean cut and “preppy” as MacKenzie observed. They were ready to receive Tyler with open arms and suddenly, he was ready to go. He got up from his seat, hugged me hard, and said, “Ok, Mom. I gotta go. I’ll be ok. I can tell these are my people.”
My people? What does that mean?
I released him, he gathered his stuff and headed out the door with his new “brothers.” I noticed one thing in common between these boys that came to meet Tyler. It was the look in their eyes that could only mean one thing….hope.
Family Day
The following Friday was a Family Day and we would also be meeting with Tyler’s addiction counselor.
We were in a room with several other people, all families of addicts there at Jackson. Some of them had kids or siblings that had been there for two months already, and were starting to look forward to taking their loved ones home. Still others were newbies, like us. In this room, we were to learn about the disease of Addiction. I had always viewed addiction as a choice someone made. I figured they chose to use, therefore, they chose to be addicted to whatever it was that landed them here. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Addiction is NOT a choice. While its true that the addict chooses to use drugs or alcohol that first time. What they don’t have any control over, is what that substance is going to do to their body and their mind. I took notes, I participated in discussion and for the first time, my eyes were opened to this twisted reality that Tyler was living in. The two hour session flew by and I craved more information. I wanted to know more!
Next was the Family Group Therapy session. Nothing could have prepared me for what this entailed. I imagined it was a group therapy session for the families of these addicted young men, to talk about our feelings and find some way to get through this torment together. What I wasn’t prepared for, was all the boys on the unit were there too! Some of them had family there, and some didn’t. There were a couple of boys who had been there the longest, proudly announcing that they were 60 or 80 days clean. They all encouraged each other and in turn, they encouraged us. I found them intelligent, articulate young men, who as they wrestle with this disease, have an awakening of sorts. They are learning that they are worth something, that they are not their disease. I found that I was learning things from these kids, things I would never learn in a classroom.
I met other parents going through the same feelings and anxieties that I was. I no longer felt alone, and that was a very liberating place to be. Too soon, the hour was over and it was time to meet Tyler’s counselor.
Meeting Jackie
OK, so I’m not sure what I was expecting, but I definitely was not expecting that Tyler’s addiction counselor would be so…young. Jackie wasn’t tall, but she wore really high heels. She was thin, but in an athletic way. She was friendly and accommodating, acknowledging the information overload we had just encountered earlier in the day. She introduced herself and then asked, “So, how are YOU doing?” I was speechless, overtaken by the flood of emotion that I had kept pushed down since we got there. I was so embarrassed to be crying like a baby in front of a total stranger. No, I was mortified! Jackie simply handed me a tissue and remained silent while I composed myself. MacKenzie and Larry were there too, wearing their masks of concern for the wife and mother that had just fallen apart in front of them.
Once I had recovered from my emotional outburst, Jackie proceeded to tell me that all the feelings we were having; anger, fear, sadness, guilt, etc.; were completely normal. She explained the routine that she was working on for Tyler’s therapy and assured me that he would undergo psychological testing while he was there. It was explained that not only would his addictions be dealt with, but his psychological needs as well.
Jackie said that we absolutely did the right thing by bringing Tyler there, and in doing so, very likely saved his life.
Saved his life.
Her words would echo in my mind for the duration of his stay. It was at that moment I knew that she knew what she was doing, and I trusted her.She said that this would be a battle for Tyler and that he would need all of our support.
We left for the long drive home and as we pulled away from Jackson I prayed, “God, please grant me the strength I will need to be strong for my son.”
The truth is, I was terrified.